The Walking Dead:  Losing a loved one to prison. As I mentioned in the article, “You Have a Collect Call From ___ At the County Jail”, I experienced so many different emotions.  One minute I would be ok with the situation, the next minute I would be upset with my fiancè.  I would try to remain on a high for my kids, but it was difficult at times.  After being settled, of course, there were songs or items left behind that reminded me of him.

How is Losing a Loved One to Prison Like the Walking Dead?

I often would pass boxes of stuff from the house that had been packed up and be reminded of the good and bad times we shared.  I experienced the stages of grief that people experience when someone dies.  We go through certain emotions in our lives, but we just go through them without identifying what the experience truly is.  I didn’t realize until recently that what I was going through was grief.  And that grief is a process.

The emotions I felt were perfectly normal.  The stages of grief followed after the traumatic experience (the arrest) took place.   The stages were denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, forgiveness and my New Norm.

Denial

After accepting the phone call and hearing the news that he was arrested, we still were hopeful that he’d be coming back home soon.  Even after sitting in the court room hearing the judge give a sentence of almost life we still believed something would happen.  But it was the fear of the unknown.  Not knowing what to expect for this new lifestyle that was about to take place immediately. The fear of not knowing if we’d stay together or part ways.  The fear of prison life itself.  The fear of the kids not having their father.  Denial takes place as a result of blocking out traumatic events that are too painful to deal with.

Anger

For those of you in the situation, I’m sure you’ve said too many times if only you would have listened,  you would be here now!!  I found myself playing conversations over and over in my head of me and others talking until we couldn’t talk anymore about changing his lifestyle.  I was MAD because I was by myself with the kids, MAD because I had to move back home, MAD because you won’t be here to raise the kids, MAD because my finances alone are going to have to be enough, MAD because I couldn’t even pick up the phone and call you to tell you how MAD I was….JUST MAD!!!!!!!!  I eventually redirected my anger by focusing on my kids.and prayer.

Bargaining

After sifting through all the emotions, we made the decision to continue the relationship by rebuilding and restoring trust.  We both read books that would help us grow.  Talked about the books and attempted to communicate using the tools we learned from premarital counseling before his incarceration.

Depression

After the bargain was made, I felt good about the decision and relief that a decision was made.  You know how stressful decision making can be especially humongous decisions like this one.  Well, there were times that depression would still creep up and try to take over.

Acceptance

Acceptance is not something that came overnight.  It took time.   We accepted the fact that our situation is what it is.  We both know that this was needed and are grateful that it took place.  However, I will add that a lot of sentences given to Black and Brown people are not just.  But, back to acceptance it definitely was God that got me to this point where I’m content in the moment.  That doesn’t mean I don’t have my days.  But I know how to pick myself up from those low places and I pick myself up with God’s help before I go too low.

Forgiveness

There was a time when I would constantly throw the past at my husband.  If you’re still living in the past you’re not allowing yourself to move forward.  Throwing up the past brings out all the negative emotions.  The only reason I’m able to share this part of my life with you now is because I was able to forgive.  I will NEVER forget and I don’t want to forget.  It’s because I remember that I am able to help others in my situation.

Remember, grief is a process.  If you find yourself down and out too long, seek professional help.

One Less Thought

Real Wife